take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
