Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
