idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
