Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
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I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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