The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Two words: blizzard sex
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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