We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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