I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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