my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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