I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
