What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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