My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
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Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
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She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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