when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
