mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
