I seem to have left my pride at pride
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i think i just lost a toe
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