Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
