all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
