Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize