your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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