He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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