I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
