she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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