he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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