please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
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No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
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He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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