So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
bring money and cleavage
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
