Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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