I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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