i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
