Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
PANTIES FOUND
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