The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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