things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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