I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
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Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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