So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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