Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
