my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Everclear isn't food dammit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
