after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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