The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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