dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
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The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Shame - the story of my life.
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