There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
