im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
