Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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