I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
