$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
