im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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