After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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