I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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