I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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