so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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