fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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