??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
