remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
