he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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