Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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