You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
